Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
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The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
first you must answer his riddles
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.