Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Google reviews are always so mixed..
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
uh oh
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare