Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-