bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: my friends:
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*