every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The internet is magic sometimes.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.