Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
me linking you to my twitter
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps