If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Love is in the air fryer.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby