Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Breaking news:
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.