a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.