Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
🙋♀️
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.