Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.