‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Happy Caturday!
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day