The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.