I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
🤣
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.