You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You Might Also Like
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.