And they lived apathetically ever after.
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6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account