Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Nice try Hitler
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.