ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You Might Also Like
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.