All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I think my mom just blocked me
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.