“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.