I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.