Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security