“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I would move hell over six inches for you
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Love it! 👍😂
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon