In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
You Might Also Like
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
The options really are this bad
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament