Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no