The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was