as is their right
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Feels like the fourth month in January
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
million dollar idea: worm dehorser