Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me trying to “trust the process”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?