“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You Might Also Like
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus