“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
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My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Rooting for the overdog
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive