Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.