βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
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It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
So, apparently, avid cyclists donβt like it when you call them βpedalphiles.β
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) womenβs clothing doesnβt have pockets!
thug: Iβm sorry for upsetting you. Hereβs $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?