[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Living the best life.. 😊
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom