In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey