For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
A fake ID that makes you younger
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.