My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.