If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
How it started How it’s going
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all