Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
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MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome