Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
You Might Also Like
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”