everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early