COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
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If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS