“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
taking June’s advice to heart
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is