You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
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Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.