Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
you will never know the true number of layers
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?