wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”