Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
😂🤣😂🤣
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol