*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond