The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.