I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?