Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”